Days of struggle and spectacle

In which I try to separate out what destroys me from what brings me joy

Hello friends,

This is the first half of an essay I wrote back in January, in the spirit of “lets start writing and see what I end up saying.” It’s part of a much longer conversation I’ve been having with myself over the last few years, in which I try to get my head round being a post-competitive cyclist, and patiently unpick all the things I loved from my days of constantly challenging myself, from all the parts of that that didn’t agree with me, or no longer serve me.

Part Two will follow, in a couple of weeks.

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“What’s next?” is one of the most regular questions I’m asked when I give talks – people want to know either what big adventures I have in the pipeline, or when they’ll get to read book number three. And I rarely come up with a very good answer, because really, if I’m honest, I am asking myself that question all the time too, and have been since about 2017.

One of the issues is that I tend to jump in at the deep end with things. My first bike tour lasted 18 months, and my first race was the Transcontinental. It’s difficult to find a challenge that is bigger than either of those, but also within the bounds of sense, finance and ethics. Most top-level expeditions require a level of corporate sponsorship I wouldn’t be comfortable with, I don’t want to do the amount of flying that a round-the world record attempt would require, and I wouldn’t want to commit to an endeavour that didn’t permit a certain level of spontaneity, as you never know what you’re going to find en route.

And perhaps the main reason why I don’t just set off to cross another continent, or keep on entering races, is that there’s also been an element of curiosity in the challenges I’ve set myself. The Transcontinental, and my original round-the-world attempt, sat in an uncomfortable grey area in my mind, where I both believed the endeavour to be impossible, and suspected that I might somehow be able to do it. I didn’t know what would happen if I pushed myself that far, and I wanted to find out.